The Wilderness

Israel’s years in the wilderness, and their subsequent complaining, was always a distant thing to me.  Whenever I would hear the story, I would think, “Silly Israelites.  Why do they keep complaining?  How could God not just wipe them out?  Instead, he keeps blessing them, even when they continually doubt him and ask for more.”  It wasn’t until this past week that I identified with them.

For years, I have wanted to get married.  Sometimes I would become bitter because my friends were getting married and I wasn’t, or the man I liked didn’t like me back.  I kept thinking that the desire for marriage is a godly one, one that I believe God has placed in me, but for years he has kept me single.  I would question God’s purpose for keeping me single and get angry.

However, isn’t that somewhat what Israel did as well?  They doubted God’s plan for them in the wilderness.  He put them through trials and temptations in the desert to test them, and they would fail every time.  Even in their failure, God would bless them (with manna, quail, and eventually the Promised Land), but he would still test them.  My singleness is also a test, and although I don’t know what God is trying to teach me during these years, it helps to know that he has put me in this position in life to teach me something, to use me in other peoples’ lives, and to show me grace even through my unfaithfulness.  When I doubt God’s love for me in ‘keeping me single,’ I’m doubting like the Israelites.  God brought them out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, and God brought me out of sin and will bring me to heaven.  Ultimately, His Son was the biggest show of grace for me, and has obeyed fully in the ‘wilderness,’ and thankfully that perfect obedience is credited to me.  But in the ‘wilderness’ of our lives on earth, we’re all tested in different ways.  Right now, I want to be in a different part of the wilderness than I am, but at this moment, God has, in his providence, put me in this single state, and I am called to trust him.

Practical?

This is my first ever blog entry so please bear with me if this is rambling or awkward. I need to get used to this whole idea!

So, one thing that is increasingling driving me nuts as I talk with women about theology and bible studies is the idea of practicality. It’s either why is it practical to study theology or take this Bible story and make sure we apply it. It seems to all boil down to application, application, application. While I do agree that what we learn about God does need to have an impact on our lives, it seems that we so focus on how I need to apply this to my life that we lose the important content of the Scriptures, who Christ is and what he did, and try to rely on ourselves rather than the Holy Spirit to effect the changes in our character and relationships.

Before I rant too much, I should say that I see studying theology in a similar manner to getting to know another person. Some people might argue that all I need to know God is the Bible. Well sure, but how do you know that what you believe about God from what you have just read is an accurate representation of the whole of Scripture? To me, reading and studying theology is understanding how the Church over centuries has understood God to have revealed himself in his Word. The Church is not infallible, but she is guided by the Holy Spirit, and I as an individual can come up with some pretty wacked out beliefs about God if left to my own devices.

Think of studying the Church’s position like talking to the mother or siblings or lifelong friends of your boyfriend or husband. They have known him much longer and have insights into his behavior that may surprise you, or explain some odd behavior you didn’t understand before. They know his history, the things that are important to him and why. The Bible does this for us, showing us God’s relationship with his people, how he planned our redemption from the beginning, how he pointed us forward to his Son and his work. But really understanding all that the Scriptures say to us of God takes more than just me and the Bible. We need help putting the pieces together to understand how great and holy, how mighty, how just and merciful he is. We get a good understanding (or think we do) of other people by looking at their relationships with other people besides ourselves. We do the same with God, looking at his faithfulness through the centuries to his people comforts and encourages us in his faithfulness to us today. Theology helps us give categories to that understanding and terminology for it.

And with greater understanding comes deeper relationship. The more we understand about God, about ourselves, about how we relate to God and each other, the better our relationships with God and others should become. And isn’t that the most practical change of all?

A better description

I often latch onto words or phrases that have played some role in my life and then somehow they become descriptors for everything around me.  A few years back the concept of idolatry was reintroduced into my thinking about my life, until that point it had been reserved for golden calves and ominous wooden statues from the Old Testament.  As my awareness of the relevancy of idolatry increased tremendous change started to happen in my life.  It was like naming and identifying this hidden undercurrent that spanned my entire life. 

Needless to say, idolatry has been one of those phrases for me, and though I find it very useful to identify the things we worship as idols (since that is what they are), I think that description has the tendency to lead us in the wrong direction.  You think of idols and you think, silly person, stop worshipping that.  It has a law driven connotation and doesn’t take into account the pain associated with it.  More importantly than that, it doesn’t lead us to the only thing that can help us – the gospel.  We can’t just stop worshipping our idols without latching onto the truth that Christ is our victor, that in him nothing truly has the power to master us. 

I was listening to a lecture on counseling today and instead of referring to this as idolatry, it was pointed out that the New Testament talks about this as your desires, the desires of the flesh, your sinful desires.  This opens up the door for so many things, an idol is a desire run amuck.  The desire for marriage is a good one, nothing wrong with wanting to be married, we go wrong when it begins to rule us.  So yeah, we all have idols that we worship, but maybe a better way of getting at them is beginning to think of the desires in our lives that are acting more like destructive tyrants than longings that point us to our creator.

Paul and the ministry

I heard another sermon on Sunday (I guess that’s the typical day to be hearing them) on Acts and the calling of Saul/Paul.  One thing that convicted me while reading is Paul’s desire to give his all for Christ.  So often, all I desire is a spouse to do ministry with…a spouse who will lead me, whom I can support, and who will join me in serving others in the church or mission field.  When that spouse comes, I feel, THEN real ministry can happen in my life…God will be able to use me to the best of my abilities because I will be able to be led by a man who wants to serve others as much as I do. 

However, Paul’s stipulation of service was not, “Lord, as soon as you bring a spouse into my life to serve WITH me, THEN I’ll serve you.”  No, instead it was, “Here I am Lord, use me where you’ve placed me, even if I must die for your sake.”  How convicting!  Not until I see Paul’s selflessness in his 30 years of service to Christ am I convicted of my own self-centeredness in my desire to serve Christ as well. 

Whether or not I’m single, God’s put me here in this situation to be used by Him for His glory.  Obviously, it is not His will that I be married, but that doesn’t mean I’m limited in my ability to serve Him.  He’ll place opportunities in my path when He wants me to serve, and I shouldn’t be looking for the ‘what if’s’ or ‘if only’s’ in life before I serve Him.  He asks that I look to Him for completeness, which is something I need to learn and will keep learning until I see Him one day.

revisiting women in seminary

Remember the story of Mary pouring perfume on Jesus’ feet in Luke 7? This was the same Mary I wrote about in a previous post, Being Mary in a Martha World. She poured costly perfume on Jesus’ feet and then wiped it with her hair. This story had always intrigued me, mostly because I always felt her costly venture was somewhat pointless. Why would someone give up a whole year’s worth of wages to buy perfume and pour it on Jesus? Apparently, the men who saw it also wondered at what she did and rebuked her. Some thought she could use it for the poor, and others just thought she could have used it for herself and her future marriage.

I was reading a portion of Brian Edwards’ book Little Women in the Bible on that story and he pointed out something I had never thought of. Here’s what he said, “A workman’s annual wage! (the cost of her perfume) Where did Mary get that much? Doubtless she had been saving it. What for? She might have been saving it for her wedding day. But there was no greater priority in Mary’s life than the worship of Christ. The highest activity in which anyone can be engaged is the adoration of the Savior.”

How amazing! Here the men around Mary were accusing her of squandering her money on a “senseless” show of devotion to Christ, rebuking her harshly (Mark 14:5). Christ, however, said, “Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me.” Followers of Christ did not encourage Mary’s devotion to Christ, her sister didn’t encourage it either, so while the world seemed against her, her Savior was for her and encouraging her to show even MORE devotion to him, her Lord and Savior.

When I was talking about Edwards’ thoughts with a fellow seminarian, she brought up a good point. “You know Katie, in a way, we’re giving away our dowries to come to seminary and devote our learning to God.” What a great point! People in my life have doubted my choice to spend money at seminary because I could have used that money to put towards a family or the church, etc. Yet I’ve chosen to devote this money to learning more about Christ in seminary. To others, women seminarians may not be making a wise choice, but to Christ, we’re making the best choice of all–putting away the cares of the world to learn about our Savior. What better way to spend money than to spend it on learning about the person and work of Christ?!

The more I learn about Mary’s actions, the more I enjoy how Christ worked in her life, and how the actions she did, and how Christ responded to those actions, can help us today.

Idolatry and Singleness

Most of us grew up with the anticipation of becoming an adult and getting married.  Whether it was Barbies that you played with as a child or stuffed animals, at some point they all got married.  For me it was Wrinkles and Smooch.  Both being dogs it was a suitable match and since Wrinkles was obviously a girl dog, indicated by her pink flowery dress, it just made sense.  So I would sit and play and walk them down the aisle and they would live happily ever after, over and over again.  Later when I was in Jr. High my friends and I all picked out our wedding colors together.  Naturally I wanted metallic teal and purple, thankfully my tastes have changed.  And then I got into high school and had a few relationships along the way and with each one I secretly hoped he would be the one so I could be one of those lucky women who got to say she married her high school sweetheart, awww how sweet.  But none of those worked out and that was okay because where it was all really supposed to happen was in college.  College came and went and here I am approaching my late twenties and marriage is nowhere in sight. 

I find myself caught up in this whirlwind of disappointment, bitterness, frustration, anger, sadness, excitement, relief (this would make sense if you’d seen some of the men I’ve dated), contentment and joy.  Overall, it is pretty overwhelming.  One month I am happy to be where I am.  I realize the freedom that singleness has provided and the blessing that it has been.  I think about the ways that I have grown, the opportunities that have been presented and the things that I have learned along the way and I’m content.  Then almost in an instant, a shade of loneliness is cast and I long for what I have longed for my whole life, a partner in this life.  It’s a spiral that begins with the longing for blessing that turns into bitter decay and judgment.  How many conversations have I had with my friends where we criticize men for not being what we want them to be?  We see them choose women who aren’t up to our standard and come up with all of these reasons why.  We blame them.  For some of us, we have learned that it is not a deficit in yourself that causes prolonged singleness, so if it is not something wrong with me it must be something wrong with them.  Sadly, my disappointment is eased, but when I step back and look at the inner workings of that cycle, when I am honest with myself, what I see is the havoc that sin wreaks. 

There is something very wrong with our perception of marriage when age doesn’t build up in women wisdom and obedience, but instead breeds bitterness and resentment.  Even in the good moments I realize that what often drives me is empowerment instead of gentle submission to the will of my Father.  It feels good to take control of my life and convince myself that I haven’t been driven by marriage and the desire for it.  But instead of yielding to the mastery of a desire for marriage I give my worship to my independence.  The comfort and consolation for the loneliness doesn’t come because of a godly perspective, it is a shot of pride and self-exaltation.  Any way you slice it the object of my affection is not my creator and my motivation is not the pursuit of his glory.  Whether my desires rule or I revel in my independence, it is idolatry for I am allowing anything other than God himself to control me.

In the end, it is obvious that the most important factor in this equation is my perceived happiness and this is the root of the problem.  Our goal is to be happy in our singleness, but do you see what is missing?  It even sounds so pious, seeing that the Lord is in control and I’ll be happy in whatever situation he gives me.  Our own happiness should never be our goal, and if it is we have bought hook, line and sinker into the lie culture presents us.  As Christians, our goal is to glorify our Lord, to exalt his name, and revel in his majesty.  If this is truly our goal then contentment follows whether you’re married or not.  Psalm 37 tells us that if we delight in the Lord he will give us the desires of our heart.  We must delight in the Lord though, and he will work in us according to his good will.  The goal is not our own personal happiness, it never should be, the goal is to fear the Lord.  He will change our desires and he will rule over them.   

I don’t mean to downplay the loneliness and sadness that accompany singleness.  I have been a part of so many conversations involving tears and heartaches to know how difficult of a struggle this can be.  But I see it as a trial like any other.  For those of us who are single now and may have many more years of singleness ahead, it is not a mistake that this is the lot we’ve been given.  Knowing this is where God has placed us, let us yield to his lordship alone.  

Being Mary in a Martha World

I was listening to a sermon from my brother this summer on Mary and Martha’s interaction with Jesus (Luke 10).  I’m sure you remember the story–Lazarus and his sisters had Jesus over to their house, and Martha was being the good hostess, getting the food together, making sure everything was taken care of, etc., while her sister, who should’ve been helping her in the kitchen, was sitting at Jesus’ feet, listening to His teaching.  I don’t know about you, but if I were Martha, I would want Mary to help, too.  Yet Jesus gently rebuked her, telling her, “Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”  The Reformation Study Bible’s ESV text notes for this section summarize Mary’s actions as well when they say, “Martha’s preparations may have been unnecessarily elaborate.  Mary knew that listening to Jesus was an extraordinary opportunity, to be given preference over other concerns.” 

Although the sermon brought up a certain point in the passage, I as a female seminarian took something different away from this story.  So often, I feel I need to validate my choice for going to seminary.  Although it only took me two years to get my degree, I am leaving with thousands of dollars in debt, and no job lined up with which to use this education.  However, Mary truly encouraged me, and I hope many other female seminarians, to give up our lives for a few years and embark on a truly rewarding education.  So often, our lives are put into practical terms–”Be a teacher, Katie, because you can actually do something with that degree,” or “Nursing is such a great job!”  These are true statements, but is that the goal of our lives…to get an education for practical reasons?  Yes, being able to live is a good thing, and having money while living is even better, but it seems like that was Martha’s concern–to make sure everything was taken care of, to be a practical person.  Nothing was wrong with Martha’s reaction to Jesus’ visit.  The ‘wrongness’ came in her failure to see the importance of who Mary was spending time with.  Mary put off the concerns of the meal preparation for a few hours to sit at Jesus’ feet and listen to His teaching. How amazing it would be to actually sit by Him, listening to His voice proclaim the Gospel!

And that is what women seminarians are privileged to do for two or three years–to sit at Jesus’ feet and be fed with the Gospel continually…to open up the Word of God and be taught how it all fits into one redemptive plan, and to see how we today are a part of that plan!  The rebuke that our education isn’t practical seems to be put to rest in Jesus’ words to Martha…”Mary has chosen the good portion.”  Those are such comforting words to me, and should hopefully encourage other women to take advantage of the great blessing of seminary.  I realize I will not be able to preach, but just think of how Mary could have been used in the life of the church!  She, who had sat at the foot of the Messiah, could go to other people and proclaim first-hand what He had taught.  So too with we women who have been blessed with a seminary education.  We have the distinct privilege, and the DUTY, to go to those in the church community and share the good news we have learned, be it through church Bible studies, children’s Sunday School classes, counseling in our local church, mission work in the community or abroad, or however else God will chose to use us. 

No matter what our situations, women seminarians are praised by Jesus Himself–for a chance to sit at His feet and drink in His words, and then to use that to bless those around us…what a privilege indeed!

Anne Bradstreet

I went to a baby shower today for someone in the church community, and one of the women attending was asked to share some advice on rearing children.  She shared some funny anecdotes from her own family, and then quoted a line from Anne Bradstreet, in referencing children’s personalities, who realized some children need to be raised with more salt, and some need to be raised with more honey.  That quote brought back my memories of studying Anne in lit classes in college.  I was never a fan of poetry, despite reading a vast number of them.  I’ve tried to enjoy the poetic elements, the talent, the word-usage, but for some reason, it’s never clicked with me…except Anne’s poems.  Her emotions fly off the page, and since reading “To My Dear and Loving Husband” and “Upon the Burning of Our House,” she has become my favorite poet. 

Her life is truly amazing.  She was born in England and immigrated with her husband, the son of a Puritan minister, to America in 1630.  She was highly educated in England, so coming to the rough new land was hard, and she got a second case of smallpox when coming here.  Even though she was sick all her life, she still had eight children and helped her husband become successful in America, not only financially, but in the community as well.  Her faith, which is the most striking, is so powerfully shown in her poems.  At first, she wrote them to encourage family and friends, but her brother-in-law copied one and brought them to England, publishing them and making her the first woman to be published in the United States. 

She was so devoted to her husband, as this poem points out, as well as her children, even though her life in America wasn’t perfect.  When her house burned, the poem that arose from it was one of sadness, but also trust in God’s will.  She knew everything was given to her by God, that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, but she also spoke of the house in heaven that is prepared by Christ, the One who gave such a high price for her. 

Although I can’t identify with portions of her life, I still draw such comfort from her poetry that exudes love to God and her family.  She also, in a time when the education of women wasn’t a priority, was highly read.  Her husband would leave to travel across the colonies, and in the alone moments, she would read his books on science, religion, history, the arts, and medicine. Because she herself was highly educated in England, she desired to teach her children all she knew, and to pass on her knowledge to the next generation.  The thing that I love about her is she wasn’t pulling for a higher role for women in society, but tried to influence those around her with the Gospel.  She didn’t want fame for herself, but worked in the society in which she was placed, trying to teach those around her, humbly yet strong.  It’s hard for me to look at my role with those around me and not want something greater, something more culture-changing.  To influence those in my immediate context seems so small, yet, from Anne Bradstreet’s life, we see God using even the small things to make a large impact later on.  Praise the Lord for women like Anne Bradstreet, who used their gifts in ways that built up the church and their families in their own era, and who would later influence women in 2008 to be more godly.

Queen Jeanne d’Albret

Heather, Tricia, and I were talking today about women who have been used powerfully by God to advance the kingdom, yet still holding true to their God-given roles as women.  Although we don’t hear much about these types of women, this article shows how much one woman can do for God’s work.  Jeanne d’Albret, mother of Henry IV of France (the proto-Protestant-turned Catholic king after the Massacre of St. Bartholomew), sacrificed her life to have the Reformed faith preached in her town.  Even while living in France and being persuaded by her husband to attend Mass, she said rather than ever go to Mass, if she held her kingdom and her son in her hand, she would throw them both to the bottom of the sea.  Wow.  Now that takes some courage.  She petitioned Beza in Geneva to send over Protestant ministers to preach in her town of Bearn, and used laws, etc. to move the message of the Reformation.  She stood up for the Huguenots, stood against the King of Spain, and stood for God’s truth.  Such an amazing woman, one who isn’t talked about much.

Even though women like this in history do not have numerous biographies written about their lives, or have many writings preserved for us to glean wisdom, God still used Jeanne’s work to share the Gospel with those who would not have heard it in its purest form.  How I love to hear about women, especially women in the 1500s and on, who stood up for what they believed, and were willing to risk their lives to have others hear God’s Word.  No, she did not stray from her God-given role.  She did not preach the Word, she was not an authoritative leader in the church.  Yet she used the power that she had to petition men to preach, and she used the life of her son to bring about some respite, if only for a moment, for the Protestants in France.

Even though I will most likely never be in Jeanne’s political position, I crave to have that passion for Christ that I will be willing to work myself to death in order to see the pure Word of God preached to people.  Reading about her role in the church gives me, and hopefully other women, comfort that, even though an official church title is not something they may hold, God will still powerfully use them in the lives of those around them.  Praise the Lord for women like Jeanne, those who will be biblical women of faith, hold true to the role given to them, and proclaim the Gospel no matter what the cost!

(Thank you to Heather for this link, and for many of the thoughts in this post)

short intro…

This blog came about innocently, but hopefully it will become a useful resource for women (and people) everywhere.  I’ve noticed a growing number of Christian women having a presence in the publishing world, but until that reaches the small group of us Reformed women on the West Coast, I thought a blog would be a good outlet to discuss various topics, especially how the Reformed faith impacts women’s everyday lives.  Many issues could be, and hopefully WILL be, brought up, so while we learn how to express these, please be patient, and add your comments!